Long time no see

So I took sometime off dating and basically life this summer. But I am back on the horse! 

Lets see I just had a birthday and turned 23 and for some reason I feel really old! It makes me fearful for how old I am going to feel when I turn like, 30. 

Like I said I am back on the dating horse! I was having a conversation with my friends on my birthday about my standards. I even had a guy online who doesn't know anything about me, besides my profile, tell me that I am one of those bitchy tall girls who only cares about height. Well this might be true... 
I am 5'8 and I LOVE to wear heels. My last failed relationship was with a guy who was almost 2 inches shorter than me. In retrospect it may have looked like I was trying to kidnap him when I stood next to him. But thats neither here nor there. I sat down and made a list of my ideal dating candidate. 

1. 6'2-7'0 Because anything over 7 feet is too tall. 

2. Fit, I am sorry if that sounds shallow but I am just not a chubby chaser. 

3. Little to no body hair. I blame being a swimmer my whole life for this one. For some reason body hair reminds me of my dad and thats just creepy. 

4. Employed and with a good job not a barista, nothing against baristas. 

5. Close with his family. Dated a guy who wasn't and I think thats a red flag. 

6. Funny,witty and sarcastic.  Aint no body got time for a boring person. 

7. Has a car and a place to live, I think those are two pretty important things. 

8. Nice, especially to me. 

9. No kids, been there done that got the t-shirt.

10.  Attractive, It wont work out if I was to jump your bones. While were on that subject you should be good in bed too. 

I think 10 things isn't too much to ask for. I am not being extremely picky I just know what I want. So if you know anyone who meets the criteria hook a sista up! Thank goodness OkCupid has a good filter! 

So heres to getting back on the horse another year older and hopefully wiser! 

Audrey.

Ex's new squeeze

I feel like no matter how awful or clean a break up is it always sucks to see your ex with their new squeeze. 
Recently my ex's friend friend requested me on Facebook. Which was very odd seeing as I have never met her before, and she is best friends with the girl who he cheated on me with. I shot him a short casual message just asking if he knew why she would want to be my FB friend. He messages me back

• "I'm not sure. I'll ask her. It might be because we're dating now."

I messaged back okay gotch ya. I thought the subject was over. The whole thing really didn't matter to me until I got a message from HER!

• "Hi. Sorry to create an awkward situation with an accidental friend request. I was just looking out of curiosity and must have hit the tab. I'm not a weirdo stalker, promise.  Anyway... Take care"

Uhhh... first off who dose she think she is using emoticons at me!? Second don't tell me you were basically stalking me and then tell me youre not a stalker. Third, in todays modern age "accidental friend requests" don't exist. Finally, why did she feel the need to message me?
I mean I can't judge too hard on the looking out of curiosity thing. We all do it. I honestly think she was just trying to slip that request in there in hopes I would accept it. Had this been a year ago I totally would have. But that just would cause me more stress in my life which I am hoping to avoid. This is why I didn't respond despite writing some clever draf responses. I have moved on with my life and I am much more happier with him out of it! 
It's just weird to me that she is the best friend of the girl he cheated on me with. Heres a word of advice for you Jessica. Hes NEVER going to change not for you or for anyone else. Hes a lying manipulative, cheating, son of a bitch (literally). Which you I am sure have already witnessed first hand. So as one ex to a future ex dont let his smooth talking trick you. 

The murder of Fredrick

I dated this guy who was a total jerk amongst other things. He was a lying, cheating ass hole and a fish murderer.
I had this beautiful blue beta fish named Fredrick. I loved that fish he kept me very good company. He even sat shot go with me in a big Tupperware container when I moved two states away. He was a good travel buddy he was not one of those back seat drivers, gosh I hate those.
When I moved in with this jerk of a boyfriend he always ragged on me for not paying attention to Fredrick... Uhh its a fish, not a dog. Then suddenly one day I came home from work and noticed Fredrick wasn't there. I didn't want to ask my boyfriend what happend because I knew he was going to make some smart ass remark about me not paying attention to the fish. So for months neither of us spoke of the disappearance of Fredrick. It wasn't until we broke up and I was moving out that the truth was told.
He told me the was tired of feeding him and me not paying attention to him so he stuck him in the freezer!! He said it would have been painless and his little heart would have just stopped beating.
I had gone this whole time thinking that Fredrick had just died because thats what fish do. They dont have longevity on their side. But now I was faced with the shocking fact that my boyfriend thought I was an unfit fish owner and that Fredrick was better off dead then with me! I accused him of being Jeffery Dahmer and this is a sign of being a sociopath. I also informed him that he was the biggest ass hole of all time!
So today I was on a walk and walked by a pet store. I went in and bought myself a new beta fish named Frank, I am big on alliteration. I asked the lady at the store if I could have a green fish because the blue fishes reminded me of Fredrick. I told her I know I sounded crazy but she seemed to understand. Anyways today I throw both my middle fingers up at the jerk who thinks I am a bad fish owner. I am not the one who purposely killed the fish!!
I think Frank and I are going to be very happy.

Its not about the nail.

Spot on

The case of the missing Tupperware.

When you invite a significant other (or at least someone you're sleeping with or plan to sleep with) over for homemade dinner you expect it to go a certain way. However in my life what ever can go wrong will go wrong. 
Let me start of by saying that to say I love my tupperware would be an understatement  I love how they trick me into thinking I am domesticated and organized.  
So I went out on two dates with this guy named Ren he was tall, cute and funny. We had already done the deed by the time I invited him over for dinner. So in my head it was obvious how the night would end. I made my world famous lasagna (its how I impress all the guys). He loved it so much that I put some in tupperware for him to take home. I told him that I just had to have it back as soon as he was done with it. 
As the evening went on we ended up in a pretty hot make out session in my room. I made the move to take things further. Thinking this wasn't out of line since we already had done that before. But he STOPPED me! He all of a sudden got really weird. I asked him why and I kid you know he says "Well... I already had sex today." Uhhhh I didn't know what to say. Ren then goes "Hey at least I am being honest." I was shocked what was I supposed to say? Its not like we were exclusively anything so could I really be that upset? But who sleeps with someone when you know you're going to have dinner at some other girls house? I eventually asked him to leave after a bit more of making out, which in retrospect was probably a bad idea. Nonetheless as he walked out of my room he walked into the kitchen, opens my fridge and like its no big deal takes the left over lasagna and left. 
While its really weird, sleazy and awkward about the whole having sex earlier in the day comment. And to be honest if he let me I would probably still sleep with him. But once the feelings of mass rejection wore off I realized I had a bigger problem on my hands, he stole my tupperware! So I sent him a text 10 mins after he left telling him that I needed the tupperware back, and of course I got no response.  I went through all of that and then realized that I am NEVER going to see that little plastic box again.
I know this may make me seem like a crazy OCD person but really who does that?
Note to self: Dont let boys have leftovers.